Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Wardrobe Malfunction

Steven's brother Greg is marrying us. (I'll give you a moment to let that sink in.) Whenever I tell people this, it always gets a dramatic reaction. I get a lot of, "REALLY?" and "Naw, now way" and "Wait....are you serious?" I'm not sure why this is so surprising to people.

The breakdown is simple: Me and Steven aren't religious and don't attend church, which would deem us using a priest/minister as false and bogus. Wedding officiants can be quite costly. State law only allows marriage officiants to charge you $50 to perform the ceremony, BUT there are no guidelines on how much they can charge you for "travel and mileage expenses." So typically, it could cost $200 to $300 for a total stranger to marry you. So why not use somebody we know? Greg seems like the perfect guy. He's typically on time. Reliable. He doesn't get nervous in front of people. And he has a ridiculously loud voice....easy to hear and understand. And since we aren't having a traditional bridal party, Greg's role as minister is way cooler and more important than him serving as Best Man anyway. So Rev Greg it is.

But what should Greg wear? This very question has caused a lot of debate between me and Steven. At one point in time, I thought that Steven could pick out his own clothes for the wedding. But that point in time as passed. One week, Steven says he's wearing a full traditional tuxedo. And then the next week, he'll say he's wearing a khaki linen suit. At one point in time, he said he wanted to dress like Johnny Cash. I asked my cousin, Justin (the Brooklyn wrangler), what he wanted to wear to the wedding? He said his bathing suit. I realized then that I had to take away the boys' wardrobe responsibilities unless I wanted a wardrobe malfunction. If I let the guys decide what they're going to wear, then Steven would be dressed like Boss Hogg, Justin and Aiden like the Hazzard County Boys, and Greg like Roscoe P. Coltrane.

So plausibly, Steven is wearing a semi-formal tux with Justin and Aiden matching. But what the hell should Greg wear? Greg is going to be standing right next to me and Steven, so I don't want him dressed like Steven. I don't want it to look like there are two grooms. I know that polygamy is all the rage right now on basic cable, but not so much in Virginia Beach. I'm leaning towards Greg wearing an all black suit tux with a colored stole of some sort.

Don't know what I stole is? I didn't either until I Googled it. (How did brides plan weddings before the Internet?) It's a piece of material that clergy drape over their shoulders. Sorta like what honor students wear when they graduate. (In fact, it's exactly the same thing.) I found a site on the Internet that sold them called Church Supply Warehouse. You would think that a place with "Warehouse" in it's name would be cheap wouldn't you? Well, you'd be wrong. Those things are crazy expensive. They range from anywhere from $75 to thousands and thousands of dollars. And it seems that the more money you are willing to pay, the uglier of a stole you are rewarded with. I found some seriously butt ugly stoles. There is one called the "Children of the World" stole that is just littered with cartoon kids faces ala the It's a Small World ride at Disney World. It's $149. To have a push-button chip installed that actually plays "It's a Small World" is an additional $39.99. (I made that last part up, by the way.)

Check out this fine garment to the left here. How much would you pay for such an attractive lime green smock? Well, make room in your closet because this hot little number is coming to your house for just $4,995! Bargain!

Not only are some of the prices ridiculous, but there are two categories of stoles -- deacon stoles and priest stoles. I tried to do some research and figure out the difference, but all I got was a bunch of websites with a lot of words, not a lot of pictures, and a ton of dense religious history and philosophy. So I abandoned my research and decided that the difference between deacon stoles and priest stoles is about $30.

But I gotta admit, I'm really starting to enjoy clergy stoles. Sometimes I think to myself -- if I was a dental hygienist would I wear silly scrubs with cartoon teeth making goofy faces on them? Or would I wear monochromatic scrubs, so that people would take my profession more seriously? Maybe I'd wear overly tight scrubs to show off my boobs? I think about these things sometimes. So naturally I started to think -- if I was a priest, what sort of stole would I wear? I decided I would definitely wear this one. It's called the "Sacred Heart of Jesus" stole, but I think it should be called the "Superman Jesus" stole because he's ripping his shirt open just like Clark Kent in a phone booth. Right now my mom is reading this and thinking, "Laaaaaaaacy, watch it. Don't talk about Jesus. You're gonna offend somebody."

Okay, fine. No offending anybody. So how am I gonna end this blog then? Oh, I know. I'll freak the crap out of Greg. Cause this is the stole I'm gonna have him wear!