She's a Dirty Girl, A Dirty Girl

I don't know exactly when me and Steven gave up. But at some point, we did. We don't clean our apartment. Not ever. Not at all. We are dirty people. Dirty, dirty people.

Tonight, a bug ran across the cushion of the guest chair in our living room. Now, I use the term "guest chair" loosely, assuming that if a guest ever did come over to our apartment, they would have to first move my notebooks, Steven's Redskins hat, and a shoe box from the said "guest chair" before they could sit down. The bug did not seem to mind the clutter, so I suppose the guest chair is for him. The bug is our guest. I realize that things have gotten bad when a bug runs aimlessly across your living room with no set agenda or real goals in life. (The food is in the kitchen, not on the living room guest chair...stupid bug!)

I could blame Steven. And he would just blame me. Hell, I've even blamed Brooklyn before for not keeping the kitchen floor 100% free of food crumbs. (I mean really, she is a beagle.) But honestly, we are all to blame. I'm a slob. Steven's a slob. And I've seen Brooklyn smell her own farts. We're all to blame.

I've got phobias. I won't touch wet washrags or sponges at all -- two key cleaning components. I know it sounds bizarre, but I'm more comfortable coming into contact with dirt and grime than soiled wash cloths, Comet, or bleach. Physically, I'm not a dirty person. I shower daily and keep my mouth freakishly clean, sometimes brushing 4 or 5 times a day. My teeth aren't just the cleanest things on my body, but quite possibly, the entire world as well. I just don't like to clean the house. And this could be the core of my greatest phobia...work. Cleaning is work and I only like to work at work. I know a lot of women enjoy cleaning; find it a release for stress. I find The Real Housewives of New Jersey a release for stress. Most women clean because they don't like a dirty house. I don't mind a dirty house. In fact, I've always enjoyed having male roommates because they don't give a crap how dirty the house gets. If we clean the bathroom once every other month, that's considered a triumph worthy of a case of beer and a Papa Johns pizza. I'm sure living in a clean house has it's benefits, but I can't think of one that outweighs me wallowing in my own pool of laziness.

Honestly, I am a dirty person. I think this would surprise most people. (Not my mom, of course, who used to make "absurd" accusations against me in my youth. My mom, who apparently has a Physics Degree in Dusting, once theorized that the living room was constantly dusty because the air conditioning vent was sucking all the dust out of my bedroom and shooting it into the living room. See, absurd.) But yes, I am a dirty and lazy person. For example, if I'm making a sandwich and a bit of jelly drips on the kitchen counter, how would you think I would clean that up? If you answered, "She would wipe it up with her finger and then let her dog lick it off her hand," then you are correct. That's how I clean up everything. I wipe it up with my hand and then I let Brooklyn lick it off. Presto, it's cleano! I've honestly considered picking up my small dog and placing her on the kitchen counter, just to see what she could accomplish. I'm almost impressed with my ingenuity in slob laziness. I am literally a human trash compactor. I'm an absolute whiz at smashing the garbage down in the bathroom trashcan so tight, that it's unnecessary to take out the trash for a weeks at a time. Landfills, you're welcome.

Steven is a whole nother case in slob-i-ness. I won't go into too much of his private business because he is asleep and can't defend himself. But I will blame his uncleanliness on two basic things -- trash purgatory and nut sack powder. For whatever reason, Steven can't throw things away. He just can't. He can open our mail, he can read our mail, but he can't throw the mail away. Old shoes? Keeps them. Broken pens, torn jeans, dead batteries, every paycheck stub since he was 16? He keeps all that stuff. Instead of ending up IN the trashcan, things sort of accumulate AROUND the trashcan. Hence the term, trash purgatory. If Steven puts something down on the coffee table, it won't just stay there for a few days, but for the rest of eternity. Me and Steven have no need to ever bury a time capsule in the backyard, our apartment is a time capsule of everything that Steven has ever come in to contact with.

The second problem is nut sack powder. Steven has a lot of sensitive skin issues. So after he showers, he douses himself with an assortment of medicated powders. There are powders for his feet, his legs, and my favorite...his nuts. And there is no polite way to apply nut sack powder, he's working with sensitive equipment at an odd angle, so he just blasts those things like he's putting out a chemical fire. The effect is that a constant haze of powder glazes our entire bathroom. You know in early spring when pollen covers every inch of your car? That's what it's like, except it's in our bathroom and it's not just in the spring...it's always nut sack powder season in our house! I get special pleasure knowing that before the powder settled on our bathroom floors, sink, and toilet, that at one point in time it all came in contact with Steven's balls. I know, that as a women, this should upset me. But I just think it's funny as hell!

More Celebrities NOT Coming to the Wedding: Presidential Edition

The Obamas will not be able to attend. Still waiting to hear from Oprah.

Eat Your Heart Out Lassie

I think it's only bad luck for the groom to see the bride's dress before the wedding. I don't think there are any rules concerning the Official Bridal Dog's coordinating bridal accessories*. And so I present to you...Brooklyn, in all her accessorized glory!

(That's not a look of misery on her face, she only emulates the sexy scowl of her canine modeling icon, Droopy the Dog.)

*These great items are not available in stores. Because my mom made them!

Jimmy Kimmel: Regretfully Declines

I sent out wedding invitations to President Obama, Oprah and Jimmy Kimmel. No word yet from Obama or Oprah, but check out what we got in the mail this past week.

Only one word to describe this...awesome!

Wedding FAQ

You've probably just got your wedding invite, and you might have some questions. So let's see if we can answer a few things.

I lost my invite already. When's your wedding?

Saturday, May 14th, 2011 at 3pm

Is the wedding on the beach?

Yes, the wedding ceremony is happening directly on the beach in Sandbridge in Virginia Beach. The reception is going to be immediately after in a beach house called the Four Seasons. Here is the link if you want to check it out. If there is bad weather (hopefully not, but in case there is) we picked a house that is large enough to accommodate the wedding indoors. So the wedding is on...rain or shine.

What should I wear?

I'd say beachy casual or preppy casual. Sun dresses, capri pants, khaki pants with polo shirts, etc. Those are all good examples. Think of what you'd wear to a Mother's Day brunch or to a high school graduation if it wasn't your kid graduating. You want to try a little, but not too much. If you are worried about being too dressed up, just ask yourself this -- would this outfit work with sandals or flip flops? If the answer is no, then you might be overdressed. If you are worried about being underdressed, then ask yourself this -- would I wear this on laundry day? If the answer is yes, then change.

What kind of shoes should I wear?

Something that would work well on the sand and on a wooden deck. High heels? Not a good idea.

What kind of underwear should I wear?

I recommend undergarments that are super hero inspired.

What will the weather be like on your wedding day?

I have no idea. Let's all hope for sunny, 74 degrees, with minimal cloud cover. But...this is Virginia Beach and the beach can be chilly at times. A quick check of Weather.com and bringing along a light cardigan and/or a hoodie is never a bad idea.

Are kids welcome?

Yes. This will be a very kid friendly wedding.

Can I bring my girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband/partner?

Yes.

I have a grumpy old man that lives next to me, who never gives out candy at Halloween, can I bring him as my guest?

No. Don't bring that guy. He's a jerk.

Can we park at the beach house?

No. There is no parking at the beach house, and there is also no on-street parking either. Please park at the public parking lot on the corner of Sandbridge Road and Sandpiper Road. Just take the right on Sandpiper Road and the public lot is right next to the market. We have arranged for an SUV to shuttle guests from the parking lot to the beach house. The SUV will be a white Suburban provided by Orange Peel Transportation, so that's what you're looking for. The SUV will begin to shuttle guests from 2pm until 4pm, and then again from 6pm until 10pm. If you need to return to your car during that two hour gap in service, then just let one of our family members know and we can arrange something.

Are you registered anywhere?

No. Steven and I have been living together (in sin) for 3 years now, so we honestly do not need anything. We have everything you could possibly cram into a crappy little apartment (i.e. plates, knives, mixers, blenders, potato peelers, wine glasses, etc). We honestly don't need anything. Which brings me (not so subtly) to what we really need...Money! Truthfully, we really just want money. I know that sounds crude, but we have a solid reason for craving the cash. We're looking to get a house. The market is great right now, and we want to save up for a down payment on a house. Owning a home is mine and Steven's dream. We've been saving for the wedding and honeymoon for the past two years, so immediately after the wedding we are going to begin saving for a house. We love our apartment (its modest and affordable), but honestly...it's a real dump. We've got rats and raccoons in the attic, a leaky ceiling, a potential mold problem, and a back yard that is too small, even for a lazy dog. It's time to move on. Any sort of financial gift which would help us save for our dream of owning a home would be appreciated beyond words.

I'm not helping you buy a house. So what else can I give as a gift?

For our honeymoon, we're going to Sandals Montego Bay in Jamaica. You can check it out, here. It's an all-inclusive resort, so all food and drinks are included, but there are some extra activities that are available for upgrade. Cool things like horseback riding on the beach, ziplining, sailing, spa services. You can check out all the extra activities here and all the spa services here. If you'd like, you can contribute to our honeymoon experience by contacting our travel agent Kandi Edelstein at CI Travel at 888-627-8000 or e-mailing her at kedelstein@citravel.com. It's pretty cool because you can purchase us specific services/activities as a super awesome gift or just throw a couple bucks our way to help pay for an upgrade. Regardless, Kandi is super friendly and a really great travel agent (she's been to Jamaica like 40 times!), so don't be afraid to call her (not just for our honeymoon), but for your own travel needs.

I'm not paying for your honeymoon either, you jerks. So, give me another gift idea.

Fine. Fine. Fine. If you really are compelled to buy us an actual physical gift (other than the gift of a beautiful home, or the gift of a treasured experience), then may I suggest...a gift card to a gas station. I'm not joking. Gas is crazy expensive. Steven works 6 to 7 days a week, and he has a lengthy commute, so we spend a small fortune on gasoline every month. A gas card would be a gift sent from petroleum heaven. And if you gave us a gas card, you'd have the added pleasure of telling everybody you gave us gas for our wedding. A story sure to get a good chuckle at your next dinner party.

Will there be alcohol at your wedding?

Yup, there will be beer, margaritas, and your boozy basics (i.e. tequila, vodka, rum, whiskey).

But I like to get down with a very specific brand of alcohol and/or mixer.

If there is something that you just HAVE to have when you drink, then don't be shy about bringing it with you. There will be plenty of alcohol provided at the reception. But if you can't have a fun time without your acai and blueberry-infused vodka martini, then by all means...bring it. Nobody will look down on you and nobody will give you the stink eye. This is a super casual wedding with a party-type vibe, so don't be shy.

When I go to weddings, I tend to drink too much and make bad decisions.

We want people to have fun and enjoy themselves at our wedding, but we don't want ANYBODY driving drunk. We will have phone numbers at the wedding for taxi cab services. Also, anybody that doesn't feel safe to drive after the wedding is more than welcome to crash at one of the beach houses. We're not promising everybody a room or a bed, but there is ample floor space and a few comfy looking couches. The important thing is that everybody has a good time without putting themselves, or anybody else, in danger.

I'm looking at the wedding invite, at the response card. There is a line with just the letter "M" next to it, what the heck does that mean?

That's not a dumb question. A lot of people have this question. That's where you write in your name with your courtesy title, i.e. Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford, so we know who this response card is from. I don't know why it's done this way, just is.

Where it says, "Number of Persons Attending," do I count myself?

Yes.

I noticed that there are pools at the beach house. Can we go swimming?

Yup. The outdoor pool will probably be too cold in May, but there is a heated indoor pool, so feel free to bring your bathing suit if you like. Especially if you have kids, bring their swim trunks. They'll love it. (But don't forget some towels.)

Who gets to stay at the beach houses? Especially the nice one?

Ooopf. We get this question more than we'd like, and it leads to uncomfortable answers. The short answer is: the houses are for out-of-town guests. And out-of-town does not mean Norfolk, Virginia. The houses (especially the nice one) are for our wedding guests that are traveling a great way to spend the weekend celebrating with us and are traveling from absurdly named places such as Valaparaiso or Kalamazoo or Texas. The long answer is: We have rented two houses and depending on how many out-of-towners there are, there might be extra rooms. But we don't know for sure and probably won't until right before the wedding. So if you are local, plan on not getting a room at a beach house, and then you'll just be pleasantly surprised if a room becomes available. Regardless of room assignments, everybody is welcome to hang out at the beach houses all weekend long. And just because you don't get to stay at a beach house doesn't mean you aren't welcome to crash at one the night of the wedding, you just won't necessarily have a room.

Who picks the rooms? And when?

Me and Steven. And probably not until everybody RSVPs.

I'm one of these famous out-of-towners that you speak of, and I'm trying to plan my trip. When will the beach houses be available?

We have the houses from Friday, May 13th at 3pm until Monday, May 16th at 10am

Should I bring my own towels? Sheets?

Don't worry about sheets, but only a limited number of towels are in the houses, so it doesn't hurt to have 1 or 2 extra.

Where can I look at pictures of these houses?

Just click the links, Four Seasons and Young

If you have any questions that weren't answered then feel free to post them here. (I've changed some settings, so it's easier to post comments.) Somebody else may have the same questions as you. Or you can e-mail me at NYCLacy@aol.com or Steven at stevenjayryerson@yahoo.com