More Celebrities NOT Coming to the Wedding: Presidential Edition

The Obamas will not be able to attend. Still waiting to hear from Oprah.

Eat Your Heart Out Lassie

I think it's only bad luck for the groom to see the bride's dress before the wedding. I don't think there are any rules concerning the Official Bridal Dog's coordinating bridal accessories*. And so I present to you...Brooklyn, in all her accessorized glory!

(That's not a look of misery on her face, she only emulates the sexy scowl of her canine modeling icon, Droopy the Dog.)

*These great items are not available in stores. Because my mom made them!

Jimmy Kimmel: Regretfully Declines

I sent out wedding invitations to President Obama, Oprah and Jimmy Kimmel. No word yet from Obama or Oprah, but check out what we got in the mail this past week.

Only one word to describe this...awesome!

Wedding FAQ

You've probably just got your wedding invite, and you might have some questions. So let's see if we can answer a few things.

I lost my invite already. When's your wedding?

Saturday, May 14th, 2011 at 3pm

Is the wedding on the beach?

Yes, the wedding ceremony is happening directly on the beach in Sandbridge in Virginia Beach. The reception is going to be immediately after in a beach house called the Four Seasons. Here is the link if you want to check it out. If there is bad weather (hopefully not, but in case there is) we picked a house that is large enough to accommodate the wedding indoors. So the wedding is on...rain or shine.

What should I wear?

I'd say beachy casual or preppy casual. Sun dresses, capri pants, khaki pants with polo shirts, etc. Those are all good examples. Think of what you'd wear to a Mother's Day brunch or to a high school graduation if it wasn't your kid graduating. You want to try a little, but not too much. If you are worried about being too dressed up, just ask yourself this -- would this outfit work with sandals or flip flops? If the answer is no, then you might be overdressed. If you are worried about being underdressed, then ask yourself this -- would I wear this on laundry day? If the answer is yes, then change.

What kind of shoes should I wear?

Something that would work well on the sand and on a wooden deck. High heels? Not a good idea.

What kind of underwear should I wear?

I recommend undergarments that are super hero inspired.

What will the weather be like on your wedding day?

I have no idea. Let's all hope for sunny, 74 degrees, with minimal cloud cover. But...this is Virginia Beach and the beach can be chilly at times. A quick check of Weather.com and bringing along a light cardigan and/or a hoodie is never a bad idea.

Are kids welcome?

Yes. This will be a very kid friendly wedding.

Can I bring my girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband/partner?

Yes.

I have a grumpy old man that lives next to me, who never gives out candy at Halloween, can I bring him as my guest?

No. Don't bring that guy. He's a jerk.

Can we park at the beach house?

No. There is no parking at the beach house, and there is also no on-street parking either. Please park at the public parking lot on the corner of Sandbridge Road and Sandpiper Road. Just take the right on Sandpiper Road and the public lot is right next to the market. We have arranged for an SUV to shuttle guests from the parking lot to the beach house. The SUV will be a white Suburban provided by Orange Peel Transportation, so that's what you're looking for. The SUV will begin to shuttle guests from 2pm until 4pm, and then again from 6pm until 10pm. If you need to return to your car during that two hour gap in service, then just let one of our family members know and we can arrange something.

Are you registered anywhere?

No. Steven and I have been living together (in sin) for 3 years now, so we honestly do not need anything. We have everything you could possibly cram into a crappy little apartment (i.e. plates, knives, mixers, blenders, potato peelers, wine glasses, etc). We honestly don't need anything. Which brings me (not so subtly) to what we really need...Money! Truthfully, we really just want money. I know that sounds crude, but we have a solid reason for craving the cash. We're looking to get a house. The market is great right now, and we want to save up for a down payment on a house. Owning a home is mine and Steven's dream. We've been saving for the wedding and honeymoon for the past two years, so immediately after the wedding we are going to begin saving for a house. We love our apartment (its modest and affordable), but honestly...it's a real dump. We've got rats and raccoons in the attic, a leaky ceiling, a potential mold problem, and a back yard that is too small, even for a lazy dog. It's time to move on. Any sort of financial gift which would help us save for our dream of owning a home would be appreciated beyond words.

I'm not helping you buy a house. So what else can I give as a gift?

For our honeymoon, we're going to Sandals Montego Bay in Jamaica. You can check it out, here. It's an all-inclusive resort, so all food and drinks are included, but there are some extra activities that are available for upgrade. Cool things like horseback riding on the beach, ziplining, sailing, spa services. You can check out all the extra activities here and all the spa services here. If you'd like, you can contribute to our honeymoon experience by contacting our travel agent Kandi Edelstein at CI Travel at 888-627-8000 or e-mailing her at kedelstein@citravel.com. It's pretty cool because you can purchase us specific services/activities as a super awesome gift or just throw a couple bucks our way to help pay for an upgrade. Regardless, Kandi is super friendly and a really great travel agent (she's been to Jamaica like 40 times!), so don't be afraid to call her (not just for our honeymoon), but for your own travel needs.

I'm not paying for your honeymoon either, you jerks. So, give me another gift idea.

Fine. Fine. Fine. If you really are compelled to buy us an actual physical gift (other than the gift of a beautiful home, or the gift of a treasured experience), then may I suggest...a gift card to a gas station. I'm not joking. Gas is crazy expensive. Steven works 6 to 7 days a week, and he has a lengthy commute, so we spend a small fortune on gasoline every month. A gas card would be a gift sent from petroleum heaven. And if you gave us a gas card, you'd have the added pleasure of telling everybody you gave us gas for our wedding. A story sure to get a good chuckle at your next dinner party.

Will there be alcohol at your wedding?

Yup, there will be beer, margaritas, and your boozy basics (i.e. tequila, vodka, rum, whiskey).

But I like to get down with a very specific brand of alcohol and/or mixer.

If there is something that you just HAVE to have when you drink, then don't be shy about bringing it with you. There will be plenty of alcohol provided at the reception. But if you can't have a fun time without your acai and blueberry-infused vodka martini, then by all means...bring it. Nobody will look down on you and nobody will give you the stink eye. This is a super casual wedding with a party-type vibe, so don't be shy.

When I go to weddings, I tend to drink too much and make bad decisions.

We want people to have fun and enjoy themselves at our wedding, but we don't want ANYBODY driving drunk. We will have phone numbers at the wedding for taxi cab services. Also, anybody that doesn't feel safe to drive after the wedding is more than welcome to crash at one of the beach houses. We're not promising everybody a room or a bed, but there is ample floor space and a few comfy looking couches. The important thing is that everybody has a good time without putting themselves, or anybody else, in danger.

I'm looking at the wedding invite, at the response card. There is a line with just the letter "M" next to it, what the heck does that mean?

That's not a dumb question. A lot of people have this question. That's where you write in your name with your courtesy title, i.e. Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford, so we know who this response card is from. I don't know why it's done this way, just is.

Where it says, "Number of Persons Attending," do I count myself?

Yes.

I noticed that there are pools at the beach house. Can we go swimming?

Yup. The outdoor pool will probably be too cold in May, but there is a heated indoor pool, so feel free to bring your bathing suit if you like. Especially if you have kids, bring their swim trunks. They'll love it. (But don't forget some towels.)

Who gets to stay at the beach houses? Especially the nice one?

Ooopf. We get this question more than we'd like, and it leads to uncomfortable answers. The short answer is: the houses are for out-of-town guests. And out-of-town does not mean Norfolk, Virginia. The houses (especially the nice one) are for our wedding guests that are traveling a great way to spend the weekend celebrating with us and are traveling from absurdly named places such as Valaparaiso or Kalamazoo or Texas. The long answer is: We have rented two houses and depending on how many out-of-towners there are, there might be extra rooms. But we don't know for sure and probably won't until right before the wedding. So if you are local, plan on not getting a room at a beach house, and then you'll just be pleasantly surprised if a room becomes available. Regardless of room assignments, everybody is welcome to hang out at the beach houses all weekend long. And just because you don't get to stay at a beach house doesn't mean you aren't welcome to crash at one the night of the wedding, you just won't necessarily have a room.

Who picks the rooms? And when?

Me and Steven. And probably not until everybody RSVPs.

I'm one of these famous out-of-towners that you speak of, and I'm trying to plan my trip. When will the beach houses be available?

We have the houses from Friday, May 13th at 3pm until Monday, May 16th at 10am

Should I bring my own towels? Sheets?

Don't worry about sheets, but only a limited number of towels are in the houses, so it doesn't hurt to have 1 or 2 extra.

Where can I look at pictures of these houses?

Just click the links, Four Seasons and Young

If you have any questions that weren't answered then feel free to post them here. (I've changed some settings, so it's easier to post comments.) Somebody else may have the same questions as you. Or you can e-mail me at NYCLacy@aol.com or Steven at stevenjayryerson@yahoo.com

Wardrobe Malfunction

Steven's brother Greg is marrying us. (I'll give you a moment to let that sink in.) Whenever I tell people this, it always gets a dramatic reaction. I get a lot of, "REALLY?" and "Naw, now way" and "Wait....are you serious?" I'm not sure why this is so surprising to people.

The breakdown is simple: Me and Steven aren't religious and don't attend church, which would deem us using a priest/minister as false and bogus. Wedding officiants can be quite costly. State law only allows marriage officiants to charge you $50 to perform the ceremony, BUT there are no guidelines on how much they can charge you for "travel and mileage expenses." So typically, it could cost $200 to $300 for a total stranger to marry you. So why not use somebody we know? Greg seems like the perfect guy. He's typically on time. Reliable. He doesn't get nervous in front of people. And he has a ridiculously loud voice....easy to hear and understand. And since we aren't having a traditional bridal party, Greg's role as minister is way cooler and more important than him serving as Best Man anyway. So Rev Greg it is.

But what should Greg wear? This very question has caused a lot of debate between me and Steven. At one point in time, I thought that Steven could pick out his own clothes for the wedding. But that point in time as passed. One week, Steven says he's wearing a full traditional tuxedo. And then the next week, he'll say he's wearing a khaki linen suit. At one point in time, he said he wanted to dress like Johnny Cash. I asked my cousin, Justin (the Brooklyn wrangler), what he wanted to wear to the wedding? He said his bathing suit. I realized then that I had to take away the boys' wardrobe responsibilities unless I wanted a wardrobe malfunction. If I let the guys decide what they're going to wear, then Steven would be dressed like Boss Hogg, Justin and Aiden like the Hazzard County Boys, and Greg like Roscoe P. Coltrane.

So plausibly, Steven is wearing a semi-formal tux with Justin and Aiden matching. But what the hell should Greg wear? Greg is going to be standing right next to me and Steven, so I don't want him dressed like Steven. I don't want it to look like there are two grooms. I know that polygamy is all the rage right now on basic cable, but not so much in Virginia Beach. I'm leaning towards Greg wearing an all black suit tux with a colored stole of some sort.

Don't know what I stole is? I didn't either until I Googled it. (How did brides plan weddings before the Internet?) It's a piece of material that clergy drape over their shoulders. Sorta like what honor students wear when they graduate. (In fact, it's exactly the same thing.) I found a site on the Internet that sold them called Church Supply Warehouse. You would think that a place with "Warehouse" in it's name would be cheap wouldn't you? Well, you'd be wrong. Those things are crazy expensive. They range from anywhere from $75 to thousands and thousands of dollars. And it seems that the more money you are willing to pay, the uglier of a stole you are rewarded with. I found some seriously butt ugly stoles. There is one called the "Children of the World" stole that is just littered with cartoon kids faces ala the It's a Small World ride at Disney World. It's $149. To have a push-button chip installed that actually plays "It's a Small World" is an additional $39.99. (I made that last part up, by the way.)

Check out this fine garment to the left here. How much would you pay for such an attractive lime green smock? Well, make room in your closet because this hot little number is coming to your house for just $4,995! Bargain!

Not only are some of the prices ridiculous, but there are two categories of stoles -- deacon stoles and priest stoles. I tried to do some research and figure out the difference, but all I got was a bunch of websites with a lot of words, not a lot of pictures, and a ton of dense religious history and philosophy. So I abandoned my research and decided that the difference between deacon stoles and priest stoles is about $30.

But I gotta admit, I'm really starting to enjoy clergy stoles. Sometimes I think to myself -- if I was a dental hygienist would I wear silly scrubs with cartoon teeth making goofy faces on them? Or would I wear monochromatic scrubs, so that people would take my profession more seriously? Maybe I'd wear overly tight scrubs to show off my boobs? I think about these things sometimes. So naturally I started to think -- if I was a priest, what sort of stole would I wear? I decided I would definitely wear this one. It's called the "Sacred Heart of Jesus" stole, but I think it should be called the "Superman Jesus" stole because he's ripping his shirt open just like Clark Kent in a phone booth. Right now my mom is reading this and thinking, "Laaaaaaaacy, watch it. Don't talk about Jesus. You're gonna offend somebody."

Okay, fine. No offending anybody. So how am I gonna end this blog then? Oh, I know. I'll freak the crap out of Greg. Cause this is the stole I'm gonna have him wear!