Tuesday, July 27, 2010

All That Glitters

So you probably got your Save the Dates, and found a good amount of glitter inside. I didn't put that glitter in there to be whimsical, and it's not a theme of my wedding. I put that glitter in there for one reason...I was trying to be an asshole. Sort of a bridal prank, if you will. Let me explain.

Doing those Save the Dates was a pain in my butt. Some of you out there have really hard to spell names. (I'm talking to you, Achilles Syrios.) Some of you have really long mailing addresses. (That's you Greg, Jayme and Rob) And some of you live in ridiculous-sounding towns. (Kalamazoo, Uncle Andy? Really?) I was on the brink of having a breakdown. And then, right in the middle of addressing an envelope, I just got up. I got in my car. I drove to Wal-Mart. And I bought some glitter. Lots and lots of glitter.

I just wanted everybody to have that moment -- when they were opening our Save the Dates and they pulled the card out of the envelope, and....bam....glitter! Glitter everywhere! I wanted some sort of profane word to come out of everybody's mouths at virtually the same time, all across this great nation. The thought of that makes me feel better.

I don't know what it is about glitter that makes people so angry, but it does. Glitter is like the herpes of arts and crafts -- once it's on you, you can't get rid of it. You think it's gone and then hours (even days) later, you'll find a piece of glitter on your earlobe. It just won't go away.

I can't totally take all the credit for this little prank. The seed of inspiration was planted years ago, unknowingly, by Matt Schlabach, a guy I work with. One Christmas, somebody thought it was a good idea to hang glitter stars from the ceiling of our restaurant. They weren't even up a day before the waiters were wiping their hands on the stars and throwing glitter at each other. Those first few days, all the waiters were guilty of throwing glitter. But if glittering were a crime, punishable by jail, then Matt would be serving in a Federal Penitentiary...and he'd be on death row.

Matt took glittering to a whole new level of obnoxious behavior -- from a mere prank to an inspired art-form. He had a number of techniques. Sometimes he would sprinkle glitter onto your head and scalp, which is nearly impossible to get out, even after showering. He was quite fond of putting glitter all over his hand and then smacking you across the face with it, leaving a glitter hand print across your cheek. You would walk around looking like you had just gotten bitch-smacked by Michael Jackson circa 1985. Sometimes he would simply walk up to you and toss glitter at you...poof...like a glitter wizard trying to turn you into a unicorn.

On one Friday night, Matt went way too far. He totally focused all his glittering ninja skills on Pilly, and completely caked him from scalp to toes with glitter. Pilly looked like he was one of those vampires in Twilight when they walk into the sunlight. This might not have been a problem if it was the end of the night, but this was right in the middle of the shift. I think Pilly still had tables. It's kinda hard to get taken seriously when you're covered in glitter and you aren't David Bowie.

So the glittering was just a silly prank to help me get through those Save the Dates, and if you were upset by it, then I'm sorry. (not really) I put more glitter in some people's invites than in others. This was not accidentally done, but diabolically plotted and executed. I put so much glitter in Matt's envelope that I had to put two stamps on it. Not surprisingly, Matt was not happy about the glitter in his envelope. It's so fun to glitter people, yet not so much fun when it happens to you, huh Matt?

My friend, Adam, said that when he opened his envelope, it was like a glitter bomb went off.
Adam: I had to take a shower before I could come to work.
Me: That was the point.
Adam: So if there are pranks now, then what's gonna happen when I go to your wedding? Is someone going to walk up to me and kick me in my crotch?

What? Kick you in your crotch? I would never do something like.........hmmmmmmmm?


  1. Yes...I did hear Jeni screem when she opened the envlope. Good job Lacy...just remenber all the con grats wedding cards coming your way next year.

  2. I got a bit of warning about the glitter from mom, so I was prepared! I didn't take your name in vain, but I did laugh heartily. Scott hates glitter, a kind of seething rage against it, so it was good I opened it. As for Kalamazoo - what can I say? It's got a lot of vowels, it's funny when I spell it on the phone because when I get almost all the way through it I feel like the telemarketer on the other side is an epic moron... but really, we have to blame the original inhabitants. It's supposed to be Ki'kalamazoo, which is native for "Reflecting River" and it would do so if it wasn't chock-full of paper-mill effluent and/or crude oil and/or asian carp and/or... and/or... :) If it's any consolation nobody really believes this place exists - but it does. We're also called "Central City" because we are EXACTLY halfway between Detroit and Chicago. Everyone thinks we lie, that it's just a Glenn Miller song or a put-on for a joke. Well, technically, this place is a joke, a giant physical practical joke, but I digress. :)