I just ordered my bridal postage.
Re-read that first sentence over and over again, and listen to how ridiculous that sounds. Bridal postage? How incredibly vain and self-indulgent. This is why other countries hate us.
But as I was saying, I just ordered my bridal postage, and I did not get the stamps that I wanted. I wasn't really digging any of the stamps they have in The Postal Store at all. I honestly, don't know who half the people are on these stamps, much less what or where the Brixby Creek Bridge is. I think for year-end tests, 5th grade teachers should simply have their students identify everyone and everything on these stamps. If you get them all right, you pass.
I really wanted something wedding or love themed. I turned to my fiance for advice. According to Steven, nothing says love like the traditional American flag stamp. At the moment he said this, I was overwhelmed with happiness that I did not delegate the purchasing of the bridal postage to Steven. If that had been the case, then surely our invites would be stamped with "Distinguished Sailors" or "Justices of the Supreme Court." (Right now, after reading that last sentence, I can almost guarantee you that Steven just said, "Wait, they have those?!")
None of the love stamps really worked, so I moved on to the wedding stamps. All two of them. One is a white wedding cake, that's going to look nothing like our cake. And the other is two gold wedding bands entwined by a piece of ribbon. It is sooooo 1980s. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure this stamp was really cool at one point in time. Yeah, really cool...maybe when 21 Jumpstreet was on the air. Maybe when Penhall and Hanson were filing their police report about the local pot dealer they busted at Central High School, they used this stamp. Or maybe when Mallory was sending out her wedding invitations, Alex P. Keaton got into his DeLorean time machine and brought these super cool stamps to the future, so I could have them for my wedding invites.
And I think that's exactly what happened...since I just ordered the stupid 1980s stamps. Yeah, I got the lame stamps, I know. But there is a good reason...they're cheap! After a bit of exploring, I discovered that the United States Postal Service practices segregation -- they keep their cool stamps separated from their lame stamps. I found a bunch of cool stamps that would work perfectly for our invites. Such as, this one here. I love this stamp. It's like it's a cool kid that is trying to look cool, but acting like they don't know their cool. Like this stamp clearly put on everything cool it owned, but they want you to think that they just rolled out of bed that way. You know, like a hipster. This stamp is hipster cool.
But it's too expensive. How much more expensive? More than double the face value! So instead of spending $44 on 100 uncool stamps, I'd be paying $104.75 for the additional cool. That's some expensive cool! I just can't spend that kind of money on stamps.
So at $44, I have come to love my 1980s stamps. And if you don't like them, that's fine. You can file all your complaints with my friend, Sergeant B.A. Baracus. He'll be parked in front of my apartment for the rest of the week. Just look for him; he'll be in a van.