Monday, July 19, 2010

The Water Ninja

At our Super Sexy Wedding Spectacular (coming at you loud & fast Saturday, May 14th!!!!), we aren't having a traditional bridal party, so no bridesmaids or groomsmen.

But Lacy, I love seeing people walk down the aisle, wearing uncomfortable clothes they spent too much money for, and will never wear again -- all the while looking nervous and overly self-conscious.

Well, don't worry, friends. While we aren't having a traditional bridal party, some limited amounts of misery will be dished out to a few of our very young friends and family members. There will be (in no particular order of importance) a ring bearer, a flower girl, and a Brooklyn bearer. Our ring bearer will be Aiden, Steven's oldest nephew, and son of his sister, Jen Cook. Aiden brings with him previous wedding day experience, making an unbilled, but poignant appearance at Jen and Aron's wedding. This will be his first wedding as a principal player, and I'm sure he's up to the task. Playing the role of flower girl will be Giuliana, daughter of my bosses, Jen and Vinnie Fusaro. In fact, I'm going to aggressively transcend the employer/employee bridge right now, and also refer to Jen and Vinnie, not only as my bosses, but as my friends. Their daughter, Giuliana is a rookie on the wedding circuit, but brings a lot to the table. She's smart, she's bilingual, and she's got freckles. Lots and lots of freckles. More on her in another post.

Finally, there is our Brooklyn bearer, Justin Fryday. Justin is my second cousin, the only son to my cousin Jeni. (Okay, Zack Morris-style time out. Has anyone noticed that all the moms of these kids are named Jennifer? Jen Cook, Jen Fusaro, Jeni Fryday. All Jennifers. Rats, this is going to be confusing.) But back to Justin. Here is a picture of Justin fighting off a coven of ninjas, trying to steal an old lady's purse in the produce section of Farm Fresh. Okay, so it's really a picture of Justin at a martial arts demonstration at the theatrical release of The Karate Kid, but whatever.

Justin has the privilege, and the honor, of escorting our beloved dog, Brooklyn, down the aisle. There is just one little problem...Brooklyn is a pain in the ass. If there is something that she doesn't want to do, she just doesn't do it. Some people would call Brooklyn lazy, I say she's laid-back. There is a canine aptitude test where you put a blanket over a dog. The purpose of the test is to see how long it takes them to get from under the blanket, without help. Theoretically, the faster the dog gets out, the smarter it is. I did this blanket test on Brooklyn and she just laid down and fell asleep. So take those results however you want.

The other problem with Brooklyn is that she is absolutely terrified of water. Simply terrified. She doesn't like swimming pools, rain, or even water in frozen form (as evidenced by this picture here). If it's raining, she will hold her pee and poop for hours at a time. Sometimes for full days. It's not uncommon during a rainy weekend to have to pick Brooklyn up, carry her to the middle of the yard, and abandon her until she does her business. A normal dog would pop-a -squat and race back to the house as fast as they could. But not Brooklyn. She just stands there, completely stunned and immobile. It's as if rain is not pouring down on her, but some sort of paralyzation juice.

Brooklyn also has a complicated relationship with her water bowl. While she (seems) to understand that she needs to drink water for survival, she hates her water bowl. We've tried changing her water dish a dozen times, but to no avail. It's not the bowl; it's the water inside. She hates that water. Steven and I have been woken up countless times by the sound of Brooklyn barking angrily at her water bowl. Sometimes it gets so bad, we have to separate them. One day, I spilled some olive oil on the kitchen floor. Brooklyn came running into the kitchen, slipped on the olive oil, and immediately spun around to viciously bark at her water bowl. I think she thought it pushed her.

She won't even eat with her water bowl next to her food. She picks up her food dish and moves it into another room. Sometimes when she's drinking water, she'll stop for a moment and stare angrily at the ripples in the water made by her own lapping tongue.

So Brooklyn is afraid of water -- who cares -- you might ask? Well, Steven and I are getting married on the beach, so it's kind of a situation. I honestly, don't know if Justin is going to be able to handle Brooklyn when she sees that ocean. I doubt she'll try to take on the ocean like she does her water bowl, but as a puppy, she did try to throw herself through a CLOSED window in a moving car because she didn't want to be there. Justin better start taking a couple karate courses for real, because this lazy dog is a few ocean waves away from turning into a full-blown water ninja.

1 comment:

  1. These get funnier and funnier. You made our day-Grandpa & I are on the floor laughing. Keep 'em coming - you should write a book - keep these logs - you've got the beginnings. You could be the next Janet Evanovich. Hugs.