Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The Adventures of Bamboo Man

I'm on the hunt for bamboo. I need 8 poles of bamboo, a minimum of 3 inches in diameter and (at least) 10 feet long. Bamboo -- it's so free and plentiful in Hawaii, and yet so expensive and evasive in Virginia. But we got a lot of ham! So suck on that Hawaii. Oh wait, they've got a ton of pigs too. That whole luau, cook the pig in the ground thing. (Sigh) Whatever, Hawaii, whatever.

So I'm looking for bamboo and I've found a lot of stuff online, but it's still a little pricey. So I did a google search for "local garden nurseries bamboo." I got maybe 7 potential places and I wrote down all their phone numbers, but honestly...I don't want to call them. So after two months, I threw the list away. I actually destroyed it in a paper shredder. That upset my mom a bit, who didn't understand why I would throw the list away. But she didn't want to call them either. And now that I've destroyed the list, I've eliminated any obligation I previously had to make any phone calls. So there. Doesn't make much sense, but it does.

Over the weekend, me and my parents made random drop-ins on local nurseries to see if they had any bamboo. We found this one crazy guy at this one nursery. He looked like, at one time, he might have been a surfer dude and/or an alcoholic. He had crazy gray hair that went with his crazy gray beard. He walked way too fast and had way too much information. Picture Epic Beard Man with a weekend job selling petunias.

But to answer our question? No, they didn't have any bamboo. BUT they did have a patch of bamboo that was growing in the woods behind the nursery. What happened next, I'm confused about. He showed us where the bamboo was growing. Told us when a good time of the year would be to cut it down (aka when tick season was over). Told us what kind of saw to cut it down with. Told us the type of truck and rack to use to load the bamboo in. He told us when he would be working and when other people wouldn't be working. And he told us not to bother asking anybody else at the store about the bamboo because they wouldn't know about he would.

So, is Bamboo Man:

A) Someone who just won't shut-up and is an over-sharer,

B) Trying to tell us the how, when, and where of stealing bamboo from his employer,

C) A hustler who wants us to come back and pay him on the side to steal bamboo from his employer,

D) In need of Just For Men: Blend-Away Gray for Moustaches, Beards and Sideburns

Hmmmmm, while you think about that I'm going to go and have a "country dinner" and my Aunt Jan's house.


  1. A)Bamboo Man has already forgotten you. his high ended the moment another customer asked him a simple question. he doesn't live to help, he lives for two things, "astounding" people with seemingly endless knowledge of any subject whether he's versed in them or not and proving that he's not just a brain, but a cool guy who doesn't mind if you rip his bosses off. your response to this guy is the understandable, "what's this guy' angle?" but what he's convinced your response is, "whoa, can you believe one guy can know so much!? I mean, he was answering things we never even cared to know about, just to prove he really is a genius! not to mention how cool he is for saying, 'screw the boss, here's how you can steal the bamboo,' man, he's cool" my advice, go to that nursery again and hope he's not there.

  2. I don't even have to hope he's not there. He told us his exact schedule.

  3. Hey Lacy,

    SOOOOOO..if I provide the bamboo (go figure - bamboo growing in Levittown, PA) and have Uncle Kevin deliver it when he goes to North Carolina....will we be guaranteed rooms in the cool house with the indoor pool and awesome looking bar?????

    Aunt Susan