Operation Skimpy Bikini

For our honeymoon, we're going to Jamaica for 7 days. You know what that means? I need 7 bikinis! (All the girls say, "Of course.")

Now is the best time to shop for bathing suits because everything is on sale. If I wait till next spring, then I'll be paying triple the amount for the same thing. (All the girls nod their heads in agreement.) But I don't want just any bathing suits. I want some ridiculous, skimpy bikinis. The kind of bikinis that would only be acceptable during a honeymoon in Jamaica. I want a "oh no, she didn't" kind of bikini. Remember the kind of bathing suits Goldie Hawn wore in the 80s classic Overboard? That's what I'm thinking. Nothing practical. Nothing demure. Nothing classy. You know, Coco approved bikinis. (As in, Ice T's wife Coco, not Coco Chanel) I figure, I'm on my honeymoon in a foreign country, and I don't have kids yet. This is my last chance to wear a ridiculously inappropriate bikini and get away with it.

Steven is not a cheap ass, but with everything (from the beach house to the napkins to the forks)I've purchased for this wedding, he has asked, "How much is it gonna cost?" How much? How much? How much? The same questions over and over again. I told him that I was going to buy a few bikinis for the honeymoon. Suddenly, he turned into Lil Jon. "YEAH! OKAAAAAY! YEAH" Not once has he asked me the price of a single bikini, much less the combined total of all of them.

My bikinis arrived yesterday and I must say, Goldie Hawn would be proud. There is one that is silver. Not like a grayish silver, but a shiny metallic silver. If I scratched the material with my fingernail, I could get some of the silver to chip off. It's that kinda silver. It's a chipable silver, not a practical silver. It's a pretty cute bikini, but when I tried the top on, it was a little too snug. Normally, I would exchange it for a bigger size, but who cares? I don't think Steven is going to complain. Babe, I think you should have gotten a size bigger. Ha!

You've heard of a string bikini? Well, one bikini has 8 strings to the bottoms -- 4 on each side with a little patch thing in the middle. If I saw a girl wearing this thing in Virginia Beach, I would question her upbringing and make speculations about her chosen career path. In Jamaica, I think it's going to be considered conservative.

I even got a tangerine colored cover-up. Emphasis on the tangerine, and not so much the cover-up part. On the tag, it's described as "incredibly delicate material." I would describe it as "bright-ass colored fishnet." But that's just me.

There is one bikini in particular that has all of them beat. It's a snakeskin print string bikini, with hot pink piping trim. It's not just trashy, it's fashionably reckless and irresponsible. If this bikini could be a crime, it would be drunk driving. If it was a meal, it would be the Monte Cristo sandwich at Bennigan's (may you rest in peace sweet sandwich). It's the kind of bikini that begs for a full-face of make-up, hoop earrings, and to be worn poolside with 6-inch pumps. It just doesn't make any sense, and yet it makes total sense. I don't even think it's suitable to wear in the water. It has a ridiculous amount cleavage-encouraging padding in the bikini cups. And they aren't even gel cups. It's like old-school cotton. I think if I wore this bikini in the ocean, the cups would saturate with salt water and I would sink to the ocean floor.

I can't explain to you how much fun it was getting these bathing suits. Normally, when you try on a bikini, you aren't just considering your comfort and preference. You're thinking about everybody else in the world too. Do I look too fat? Too skinny? Are my boobies too small? Does this look too young for me? Too old? Will people stare at me on the beach and think bad things? Will it fall off in the ocean? It's stressful buying a bathing suit. But not a honeymoon bathing suit! It is the most freeing thing ever because there are no rules. Will your fiance like it? Of course he will -- you're in Jamaica, drinking cocktails, wearing a skimpy bikini, and you're newly married! There are no worries. No bikini worries.

Operation Skimpy Bikini was a success.

Next mission: Operation Slutty Sundress